Yeah, i know it's pretty insane to be writing a blog post at this time, but hey, i just feel if i don't write this soon, the stuff's on my mind will be trapped inside with an even more secure lock. and EJ if you're reading this, I promise it's the last time you'll ever hear/read this from me =), don't worry. new year's coming and I'll be glad to throw away this year's leaves instead of flipping it over to the other side.
Anyways, I'm writing this on impulse actually, sitting up on my bed with the laptop on my lap, after I read some of the statuses on fb. of course it's about relationships. reading about others being emo made me emo and the recently just over prom and pictures uploaded in fb made things worst. i thought i've forgotten about her, that i've thrown her out of my mind, but no, i've only put her to the back of my mind, ready bounce back into my thoughts whenever she's near or a pic of her appears on the home page.
Cue flashback:
It's pretty hard to forget the day we represented the school in athletics, one of the rare occasions where we had events on the same day. we went for lunch when there's a break. of course back then i haven't had any thoughts about her, just normal friends in my mind. i crossed a road pretty quickly as I saw a car is going over a hump/bump/whatever it's called quite far away, but i looked back and she was there very hesitant about crossing, she started smiling broadly when i beckoned her over since it's safe to cross. and that was when i think she's really cute. in retrospect, perhaps this sparked something inside me.
Another thing i probably won't ever forget is the day she sent a text to me asking for a favor. the reason being this incident changed me a lot: i fell in love with yiruma's songs and more importantly, helped me to use feelings while i play the piano, which i've never done until that point. yes, she asked me to play a song for her after knowing I can play the piano. in particular, yiruma's river flows in you. a song i rarely play now. ever since that request was made, i put in all my efforts to make it as perfect as i can. yeah, it's a simple song with simple notes, the hard part is to play like yiruma, to know exactly how he feels when he plays. to know it, can make all the difference in the world. kinda sad when i reflect, i didn't do it well enough when i presented her with the song, but well, it's the past.
I love high jump training. one reason is it's my first competitive sport, the other is because she's there, usually. one of the great times to really get to know her. she demands a lot from herself, she knows she can do it, and i knew it too, but when she didn't she'll get depressed easily, and that's the cue to be right by her side. i felt so helpless and sad when i tore my back muscle, i wasn't able to join the competition, and worst, i couldn't help her much during her training. sometimes i wonder if she's afraid of the pole, or afraid of failing, either way, she needs a huge boost before she tries again, that's when she goes to long jump. i'm proud of her during the competition, even though she didn't win first place, i knew she gave it her all. one of the most awesome moments of my life so far.
The whole prom stuff just wasn't kind to me, family tradition i guess. i wanted to ask her last year, but it'll seem inappropriate, so i asked her to the prom first chance i get on January. waited for a reply until early may and i think you can guess what the reply was. no details on the reply here, unfortunately, cause i feel it still deserves to be mysterious. haha! unless of course i know you and you asked me about it and i feel good at the time. lol. anyways, yeah, prom. probably the hardest day for me in the aspect of controlling emotions. mixed feelings swallowed me, but i didn't want to affect people around me, so i gotta, put on a show. in fact i think prom wasn't at all kind to people who haven't gotten over a heartbreak. kinda pointless for me to be there, i guess i was there for the sake of being there. =/
For some reason, these 2 years 09 and 10, i've been introduced to loads of songs that speaks out for me. from Michael Buble to Bruno Mars to Maroon 5, quite awesome actually. I would've done everything i can for her, i know she won't do the same, but I'd still catch a grenade for her. I was in misery, no one could comfort me and her silence was slowly killing me. the silence wasn't so bad, till i looked at my hands and feel sad, cause the spaces between my fingers are right where hers fit perfectly. ain't no way she will ever gonna get any less than she should cause when she smiles, i smile. when her world's crashing down, and she cannot bear to fall, i won't ever let her get lost, i'll always be there. my words were cold and flat, and she deserves more than that. I swear now that I couldn't take it, knowing somebody's got my baby. for you i'd write a symphony, if the keyboard has all the alphabets, i'll be playing her name over and over again. i know i won't be the first one to give her all this attention, but i don't care cause she was the perfect thing to say, she made me sing, she's every line, she's every word, she's everything. i thought i thought of every possibility, i get all worked up then i let myself down. in the end, perhaps i just haven't met the right one yet. =)
If you're reading this, i would like to say, i hope we'll end this cold war someday. =)
P.S. pls don't bug her if you know who she is, thanks.
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